eulogy for my dearest uncle

Since today evening i  have been feeling extremely low, I didn’t know whom to share it with.I have not been able to cry out loud and take it out as I don’t get the time and space to be all by myself.There are thousands of thoughts going through my mind today.My mind has become a mesh of hesternal and hodiernal thoughts and memories .Emotionally and Psychologically …there are two forces acting …one is pulling down and other is lifting up. Helplessness is tearing me down and at the same time motivating me to do something and overcome at least some part of it.
 
I cant imagine Beta Bhiya dead…So i want to assume that he is gone some where far.My mind is not ready to accept this fact…no matter how much i try to console my self …i just cant and to be frank I don’t want to. He will stay alive in our hearts and memories.I am going to take the print of every mail he has written to me. I want to save every memory I have of him.
 
His smile and his habit of making that unusual grunt.He would call us darling and sweet heart all the time.He would always try to crack some joke and try to make the situation humorous.I remember him in his lemon yellow shirt and black trousers and that turquoise tee-shirt which he used to wear at home. He was a stalworth in true sense .His thin lean body and that Aum with so many stones in his chain.His wardrobe…Oh! my God.How will pupli didi live with it.Every one will move on .It is she who will suffer.I feel terribly sorry for her.
 
 Losing such a precious soul is a big loss not only to this family but to this world.He had such a depth in him and the glow on his forehead reflected his spirituality and his connection with almighty.Every one will have his or her own point of view about this unwanted event, but the bottom line is that this is life.You sit and see the parts of life like isles just wasting away but the fate ties your hands and and you are helplessly watching destiny nibbling voraciously at life.Our prayers didn’t do him any good.His life was still abruptly truncated  leaving his soul unsatisfied and burdened with responsibilities and the yearning to be there for his kith and kins and to spend some more days with his beloved wife.This immense pain which he endured for so long even did not dehort him from willing to live.He fought illness but couldn’t fight death and destiny.I was wondering if he had this much life only?
 
We never anticipate such tragedies to struck some one we love so dearly and don’t even want to contemplate any signs of bad going to happen to them.How does the cycle of good and bad fit in those circumstances? If you have had enough of bad going on in your life you previse good times to come .How can the good be complete with so much sorrow and a void which can never be filled.
 
I am going to take strength from this and I would request everyone including pupli didi and Shehjar to that too.Till the time Shehjar and keshav will not settle well in their lives .He will not be able to rest in Peace.So all of us have to move towards that direction.Pupli didi has to be very strong irrespective of anything and we have to support her in any way possible.I have sacrificed so much just because I take responsibility for what I signed up for . Not been able to meet Beta Bhiya at least ones is one such sacrifice with which I will live forever …and probably on my death bed ask for forgiveness and peace.
 

Still dont know why do I have to have a title to write

I love to write because I find it hard to express it otherwise. I have had a rough patches in my life as any other human being but now I am tired .I am tired of doing what I am being told to do and what I am being told is right. I have a soul of my own and I know it is always right.Then why do I need someone else to tell me what I should and what i should not.I am not so strong as I thought I was . I am weak and always have been .I am scared to face consequences .I am scared to put my foot down and say , “hey stop pushing me ,its my decision and i have to make it “.These days I have become more lazy and am running away from things.Just want to close my eyes and sleep over it as if am waiting for the day when the morning will bring me hope and desire to live and enjoy life . I feel dead from inside especially because I have no one to talk to .No vent at all .I thought that marriage will bring and end to the uncertanities of life and i will have some one to confide in and express my self to .I lived in my little fairytale of sleeping beauty because I truly believed that there was this 1 man I have to enjoy my entire life with .I did not open my eyes before . I am a simple person and keep my self away from the evil of gossips and unwanted exchange of who said what and am never bothered about any body’s business .I hate to talk about others and never expect any thing from any body .I have always cherished what any body has done for me and have got this desire to return back ,what I get .It holds true for my parents too but I guess all this is not applicable in this world .People think you are insane .They expect you to be diplomatic .Simplicity is a curse .People say actions are stronger than words but I say that the thought is the e . Actions follow .If your actions are right and your thought is not .It really does not count how much good you do .I know that my soul is pure and conscience is clear and i have not to be afraid of any body and also do not need any ones certificate to prove that because my God will stand by me as always .